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Fist
Damage per second: 4.12 - 41.17 (41.17 - 411.67 with Berserk)
Pain per second: 2.06
You're only human. But so are some of your enemies, and you know where to punch them to make it hurt. Admittedly, the strength of your fists is truly average, but it's not like any of those fools will bother dodging your blows.
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Meat Saw
Damage per second: 17.5 - 175 (96.25 - 962.5 with Berserk)
Pain per second: 8.75 *
Did you know the world's first chainsaw was not meant for cutting wood? Neither was this one, though maybe you can still use it for that purpose the next time a Baron of Hell saunters over and tells you to blow him. Graphic details aside, this mechanical death dealer is undeniably an upgrade - especially once you channel some berserk strength into it.
*Extra effective against enemies with low pain tolerance
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Marksman Gun
Damage per second: 40.38 - 121.15
Pain per second: 8.08
What's that? Danny Evanger's pistol fires two bullets at the same time? Get the fuck out with that weak shit. Your gun's gonna fire THREE. With relentlessly perfect accuracy no less. It does use up ammo fairly fast - thankfully, each little bullet pack contains 12 rounds, a large ammo box will net you 60, and with a high quality backpack you'll be able to haul 420 of them.
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Pumped off Shotgun
Damage per second: 58.33 - 175
Pain per second: 11.67
You've fired this baby so many times, you could do it in your sleep. In the Dentata Commonwealth, proposals are done with a revolver shot to the heart, and breakups are done with a single barreled shotgun to the face. Forget pump and dump, the pump itself signifies that you've moved on with your life before whatshisface's body hit the ground and you're already thinking of your next target. Translating from shotgunese to English, the sound of pumping roughly equates to "...anyway!"
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Minigun
Damage per second: 58.33 - 175
Pain per second: 11.67 *
To be completely honest, this toy barely surpasses your kick-ass sidearm. It kills a bit faster, it's way less accurate, and it needs a moment to spin down after releasing the trigger, too... but the intimidation factor and the joy of pinning someone to the wall with a constant stream of bullets is hard to argue with.
*Extra effective against enemies with low pain tolerance
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Rocket Launcher
Damage per second: 33 - 267 + up to 213 splash damage
Pain per second: 1.67
Greebled up and ready to launch shiny explosive missiles, this weapon received a facelift and looks much less like the business end of a vacuum cleaner, But let's face it - you can't improve on perfection. This is a rocket launcher, plain and simple.
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Hypershotgun
Damage per second: 120.69 - 362.07
Pain per second: 24.14
Nothing is plain about this one. A super shotgun, with its shell multiplying superpower, looks perfect on paper. The Hypershotgun, with equally long delay between shots and exactly double the firepower, looks perfect in your bed because it's a weapon so lovable you'll want to fuck it. And it might be sentient.
The super shotgun pairs best with a horde of hell knights, and a sinking feeling that you might as well be fighting a baron with a regular shotgun. The hyper shotgun pairs best with cacodemons and pain elementals, blown the fuck away with one well aimed trigger pull. It also pairs well with shell boxes, which no longer last for an eternity and a half. You're damn lucky I'm polyamorous, or else I would never let you play this mod.
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Sweetpea
Damage per second: 58.33 - 466.66
Pain per second: 5.83
Now for something more subdued! Don't be intimidated by the teeth or the tendrils burrowing into your skin - you can pull them out just fine, and this well behaved breed of bloodleech will only feed on a carefully selected mix of hell nutrients you'll have to consume before making use of its power.
The Sweetpea is an environmentally friendly plasma gun alternative, spitting out corrosive missiles with the power of two plasma bolts each, at half the frequency. It has no annoying cooldown period and is far more ammo efficient, but also only causes your enemies half as much pain per second as plasma would.
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Chaos Belcher
Damage per second: 75 - 600 direct + 1470 - 2610 from tracers
Pain per second: 0.75
The real fun of firing a BFG blast happens once it explodes, and the Belcher speeds up the process by letting the fiery ersatz-BFG hellboulder plummet to the ground real quick. It does still travel a decent distance, so feel free to try your luck in actually hitting someone with it!
The hell weapons' ammo can be replenished by taking a somewhat underwhelming sip from the sin cup, or procuring a dense chunk of edible malevolence from the sin chest. Those translate to only 15 and 75 sweetpea shots respectively, and the Belcher uses up 40 as usual... on the bright side, a good backpack will let you haul around enough sin juice to last for 666 shots.
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